Written by Shawn
Hello,
Genuine question: What advice do you have for someone who is navigating the world of a RSO? Lately it has been really hard. Feeling like an exile. Outcast. Hard to make friends and have a community. I am trying to get back to church but often feel like an imposter. Even in my daily life. Started therapy but haven’t gotten to the point where I share my background with my therapist. Just looking for encouragement, small success stories, ideas. Anything really. Thanks for reading.
I encourage you to keep at it. For me, the church I joined was like a second family and very helpful. Most didn’t know of my charges (or rather, I didn’t tell them) but the elders and preachers knew. Eventually it was because of people from the church that I was able to save up enough money to move to Europe. I owe them a great deal.
Friends were hard to find. True friends are hard to find even without a criminal record. Eventually I didn’t make a couple, one of whom has been the best friend i’ve ever had. But up until that point it was difficult, lonely.
I’d say people should learn to accept themselves for who they are and where they are in life now. If you can’t deal with your own self and history, then you won’t make it far with anyone else. But what do I know really? Not much beyond my own life story.
Hi Shawn,
It sounds like you’re at the start of your journey as an RFSO. You will likely go through a number of stages where different advice at different times will be most helpful.
I would say your first order of business is two-fold. First, survive whatever circus the “system” has planned for you. Second, in regards to the offense, to figure out what the hell went wrong (assuming you’re not fully innocent of charges.) While therapists and treatment programs MAY be useful, they may also not be. But if you hold on to the idea that “something went terribly wrong” and start honestly dissecting that, it helps keep you from counter-productive denial or minimization.
Now, beyond that. I would say that the biggest potential obstacle to you living a good life is you. Your fear of what others will “probably” say or think is often the biggest restriction you will face. It is shocking just how many times I have found that courage to try is rewarded.
Other things that are related…
– Being miserable is not a virtue. You are not betraying the people you hurt by having joy. You are not “supposed” to be miserable. Don’t let others try to convince you of this. Purely to the point of recidivism….Despair is dangerous.
– You are being victimized. Realizing this point and dealing with the trauma is important. It is likely you will see others in your shoes repugnantly retreat into PMS (poor me syndrome) and have an aversion to the idea that you’ve been victimized. I’ve told therapists that I have been victimized by my own villainy. That is, taking accountability, while also dealing with the practicalities of the trauma you’ve received, regardless of fault.
– manage your exposure to “RSO” bad news. It is important to be kept informed of what is happening in the wider RSO world. However, it can become its own despair factory. Balance is needed.
– You are not your crime. Accountability is fine, but you do not need to tell every random person about your past. You are not a leper required to ring the bell and cry out “unclean” to announce your presence. It is ok to have friend groups and communities that do not know the details of your past. Compartmentalize. Don’t let yourself compare your friends’ “hard day” with your own. It is likely that you will often be going through more than they are. Show compassion and empathy and do not compare everything back to your life.
There is tons more, but I have typed enough. I hope others chime in because this is a very real topic that we all have to figure out.
– John